Week of 9/25/17: Getting Ready for a new Earning Season

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Sep 29, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    How time flies--a new Earning Season is gearing up....PR departments and legal teams are getting prepared
    How does one appreciate a Chief Operating Lizard?

    Chief Operating Lizards for major companies come in various flavors:
    1. Flavor one is the COL who sees the company as literally a toy, for example, Twitter and Sears
    2. The next flavor is the COL who sees the job as a gig, a payday—the most recent example was the Marissa Mayer at Yahoo
    3. Most COLs have the plant manager mentality: make the “trains” run on time and have a billion dollar train station, now called in COL speak a “campus”—here, Tim Cook of Apple is a plant manager masquerading as a COL—they are boring and non-creative—but relentlessly diligent in keeping the trains on time and super nice “train stations”
    4. Some COLs become overwhelm by adding “cats” to their “cat juggling”—this can be as big of an ego trip as a new billion dollar “campus”—The old GE was an example: too many divisions
    5. The Find is the rare COL who has never been a COL before; thus, prove himself, e.g., Satya Nadella of Microsoft and possibly John L. Flannery of GE
    COL Speak:
    • Latest Lefty Politics: fortunately, most COLs do not walk their talk—this is PR to keep off the Hounds of the Washington Lizards—but beware, knowing the politics of a COL could cut off a third of the company’s customers, e.g., owners of NFL football clubs
    • “Tailwinds” are bad. Amazon is more and more replacing the weather as a lame excuse. The validity of this is checking to see if other major companies in the sector are experiencing Amazon or weather issues
    • “Headwinds” are super—Amazon, the weather, the dollar, or luck had nothing to do with the fine job of the COL, which s/he will happily imply
    • EBITDA stands for earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization. EBITA is a way favorably to unofficially add up the numbers in the favor of the great work by a COL—Why Buffett is no fan of this financial magicImagine your worth IF you did not have to factor in your taxes, mortgage, rent, et cetera costs of living? Would you buy a "lemonade stand" with expenses masked?
    • Non-GAAP is more financial razzmatazz by a COL—Non-GAAP is unofficial accounting to “jazz up” the bottom-line--You try to get a significant loan using your own accounting BS!
    • Flee a company with the first signs of “accounting issues”—the only one likely to walk away with a lot of loot will be…dah-dah, the COL
    • CAPEX is the fancy word for overhead—This does not count the perks and Lackeys a COL must have to masturbate the huge ego of the COL—COLs have the same high maintenance of any diva
    • Appearing on “Mad Money”: penthouse hotel suite, limos, private jet landing/fueling/take-off, meals, and so on for the COL and Lackeys, say, $10k for the 5-minutes on “Mad Money”—This diva won’t be staying at a budget motel, eating at McDonald’s, not with being able to feast off the company stash of the investors’ loot!
    • Other than with a vehicle company, “driverless” anything by a non-vehicle company is as much of an ego trip as that fancy billion dollar campus, and “driverless”ego trips will eat YOUR money IF you are an investor—
    • Beware of COLs with the scruffy “Steve Jobs” look—HIDE YOUR WALLET WHEN YOU SEE A COL WITH THIS LOOK! That look is not from Walmart, but tailored--wanna guess who pays the tailor?
    • With biotech, watch your wallet when a Dr. so & so starts spinning about the latest cancer drug TEST! Sorry, but the FDA can walk-in anytime of a Phase 1,2, or 3 drug test and shut it down--The COL will not be screwed, as usual
    Board of Directors, or Board of Complacency, are much like a school board: there to rubber-stamp the actions of the COL—Board members are mainly other like-minded COLs, and board members can always use a few extra kopeks, and perks--at the expense of the investor…For example, with Apple, who is its “school board” going to side with? (Note the pay, too)…Al Gore, $350K annual pay, what a joke! And, and, and Equifax esteemed “school board”?

    Super news! Equifax Chief Operating Lizard has thrown in the towel. He will have only an $90M severance package. All over Amnesia teenage “Bikini & Jock Strap Car Washes” are forming to raise money support for the former COL. NFL players’ union spokesman says that NFL players plan to do a knee in support of former Equifax COL Richard Smith. “I think having your Social Card # out in the wild will help the economy for years to come,” said one hacker, grinning, adding, “And we are certainly here to help this gift keep on giving for the lifetime of a person—BOOYAH!”

    Things to watch for: when one of those companies that sell your data to repo, bondsmen, and bounty hunters gets hacked! For a proprietary service, repo, bondsmen, and bounty hunters can find out about YOUR whole life

    Misc. Things
    Remember, if you need a friend, your local animal shelter has your friend waiting

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