Week of 9/18/17: Imbecile Investing for Dummies

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Sep 22, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    I hope I survive tomorrow, the 23d, with the Rapture set to kick-off. Adding to my "snow flake" ways is if I survive The Rapture, I have the arrival of Planet X (Nibiru)--Saturday is set to be an OMG Day. Nevertheless, at heart being a Capitalist Pig, I must consider how to profit off any and all disasters--though as any Wall Street lefty leaning, hypocrite, sanctimonious Lizard will say, "Our hearts go out to blah-blah-blah." So, as the world swirls into the ineffable, many newbies are drawn to investing in the latest, latest booyah, ka-ching disaster.

    Imbecile Investing for Dummies

    You can do it. Really! Imagine being one of the “Mad Money” callers masturbating Guru Cramer’s Ego with how much loot he made for the caller— soon to be: YOU-U! Yes, you can be one of the callers! Cells that fire together, wire together, thus, increasing one’s imbecility has never been easier….

    1. HARVEST THE LOW HANGING FRUIT! Keep as many credit cards as is possible maxed out, BUT wisely buy stock in credit card companies that pay dividends--Do not discount the easy ka-ching.
    2. INVEST IN YOURSELF! Therefore, avoid vaccines, because such things as the flu, mumps, and maybe one day smallpox, are beautiful things to become up-close and personal, particularly if you are not a high income person — Expensive medical goop should always be preferred over stuff from the medical-industrial complex—which Trump/Putin/Illuminati are behind! Believe in Woowoo….
    3. Buy $2,000 smartphones, sterling-silver toothpaste squeezers, 18-karat gold dumbbells and an Hermès mahjong set—anything from the fertile mind of Elon Musk—thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Hurricanes, expect super deals on electric cars which will come with hidden aquariums and other aquatic former lives hiding under carpeting and battery compartments—SOON EVERYONE WILL BE ABLE TO AVOID A USED TESLA GREAT TO HAVE PARKED IN YOUR DRIVEWAY! Look, fake it till you make oodles and oodles of loot.
    4. Have “Computer Monitor” envy, that is, monitors make the modern day Imbecile Investor, so s/he can have as many monitors as is possible for all those (SIZE HERE DOES MATTER), Talking Heads, charts and obscure-obtuse ratios—You want a wall of monitors for that trading room in that palatial estate you covet—Planet Fitness has a unique way for the Imbecile Investor to exercise yet watch monitors
    4. For the Imbecile Investor “Newsletter Envy” is also quite acceptable—nothing equals $ucce$$ for the Imbecile Investor like $2,000 annual newsletters—NOTE, PLURAL: newsletterS
    5. Diversify by following as many financial gurus as is possible—Dream of starting your own expensive newsletter—YOUR OWN HEDGE FUND! Imagine one day CNBC’s Becky Quinn will kiss your ass and Jim Cramer will swoon over you! Weekends will develop where followers spend the weekend in your town, in a mass Swoon over you—WHAT A PERK OF WEALTH! EGO MASTURBATION ON STEROIDS! TIP: losing money in such things as “Reverse Yankee Bonds,” or crypto-currency—TIP: your broker will be glad to assist you-u to become an Imbecile Investor!
    6. Stop those pesky bathroom needs—unless, of course, you have a wall of monitors in the toilet—Here think Military—your enemy is the stock market—you are an “American Assassin” for that special stock: avoid all liquids, including water, and, of course, those foods that create those Number 2’s of bodily needs—TRADE! TRADE! TRADE! – Do you want to miss that $0.00000000000000000001 move in Widget because you were in the bathroom?! This is as bad as wasting trading time by being with the spouse, or maggots (kids)—TRADE, DAMNIT! Trade 24/7—move closer to the exchanges so you can trade within the moments of a second—but trade, trade, trade! Churn is good! Positively love natural disasters for the churn opportunities!

    7. Believe in Woowoo—anything associated with “Fibonacci” and/or “blockchain”! What are these? As with Bitcoin, who knows?! Slave of the Moment: shut-tha-Eff up and just believe and just buy/sell, buy/sell, buy/sell anything currently the rage! Jesus H Christ, Superstar! HERD INVESTING REFLECT THE WISDOM OF THE CROWD, MOTHER OF GOD! Believe in Bit Coin, Elon Musk, legalized pot, driverless whatever, companies with palatial estates (AKA, “campuses”) 1, 2, 3, 4—WIPE THE SPITTLE OFF THE CORNERS OF YOUR FREAKING MOUTH AND INVEST AND SWOON! Say goodbye to missing that $0.00000000000000000001 move in Widget! TRADE! TRADE! TRADE! Your broker may well have a family your trades can also help!
    8. Some stock tips for the Imbecile Investors: expand your imbecility: get into options, shorting, margin trading, after hours trading (to keep those monitors active), and Fibonacci Worships—BELIEVE IN WOOWOO! TRADE! TRADE! TRADE! Stick with the Wisdom from Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Suckerberg, and any lefty spouting Chief Operating Lizard—They have your back, as they private jet or Tesla about to make money off Climate Change!
    9. A good mantra the Imbecile Investor: “This time is truly different… “This time is truly, truly different”… “This time is really truly, truly, truly different”— Bonus: A news service from the BBC for the Idiot Investor devoted to the Imbecile in you-u….

    Alas, shame, shame, shame on you! The time you spent reading this you missed trading—Somewhere in the world some market is open to the Imbecile Investor, another tragedy is unfolding, some super-size monitor needs to be added to your arsenal, a$2,000 newsletter needs to be bought, another guru to follow—YOU-DO-NOT-WANT-TO-PISS-OFF THE GHOST OF FIBONACCI! for the love of god! (Hell's bells, create your own proprietary ratio!)


     
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