Week of 4/24/17: Tangling with the $400 Juicer, and winning!

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Apr 28, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    Retiring Extremely Okay Beat

    Just wish you could see the new root canal I am sporting--It is a beauty! Home Depot has drills and tools, and sealants for all occasions...Cramer is so right about HD stock!

    In lieu of the Silicon Valley’s $400 Juicer May Be Feeling the Squeeze…You might like my under $30 non-juicer (I want the ruffage!) plus supplies: May I introduce you to Your Vomir (French makes it sound classier) in which I mix up a liquid meal I call Your Vomir, a power house wallop in a meal, to wit:

    In a $15 Walmart or thrift store blender, I (you) dump as much healthy food as possible (or I will for you for a mere $60 per month subscription), for example: Walmart and Kroger have super deals on frozen vegs, so eating out of season is easy…Walmart will match Kroger deals, particularly Kroger’s Wednesday Senior Days…. Kroger pulls perfectly fine fruit and veggies with any spots, or softness,, making such things as avocados, cheap (though Bananas do need to be green; otherwise a banana becomes a pecker size hunk of sugar)…. TIP: frozen vegs are frozen at their peak…TIP: go online to see which vegs give more bounce when lightly cooked (such as carrots)…. (You may simply purchase a Your Vomir franchise from me for a one-time price of $999.99 though I am thinking of going the Multi-Level Marketing route. We will let Amazon do the delivering, by the way.)

    To provide texture, I dump in oatmeal—in short, I dump in as much healthy foods as possible, while also adjusting for my taste…Besides vegs, I may dump in nuts, fruit, and so on…ANYTHING I LIKE AND IS ALSO HEALTHY…For sweetness, I cheat and dump in a little instant cake mix…Though my franchisees can sell Your Vomir premixed…Tip: give away the $15 blender to sell the monthly mix….

    With Your Vomir what you want is to max the most bounce to the ounce, and as cheaply as possible, eating…You can pretty up Vomir as marketers do: use some type of coloring….
    TIP: with food, read the content label of food, NOT the ad label on the front…You will love what is in Your Vomir!

    More great news this week!
    • WHOA! It must be spring! The Chief Operating Lizards (COL) & their Lackeys are crawling, so hide granny and the kids, and any nest eggs, or money of any type!
    • COL Speak: sybaritic
    Please get out your hankies, for a heart tugging letter to god...
    Dear God:

    Hi. Just an early shout out and thank you for this: Marissa Mayer’s Yahoo stake is worth $186 million ahead of sale to Verizon. We small timers so oft times forget what them thar Boards of Complacency (sorry, Board of Directors) are for. Dearest Gawd, could you, well, bump her cash-out to a round $200? Spas and another mansion are so, so expensive. I so want to be just exactly like her, gawd.
    Lizzy Holmes
    P.S., dear God, is Jesus sporting the Steve Job's scruffy look? How is Steve doing? We so, so miss him. Could Mr. Tim Cook have Steve with him when Mr. Cook introduces the iPhone Steve Jobs 10th Anniversary version in the fall? Oh, could we?!

    Sad, sad news for Mr. Cramer. Our Guru, our Cramer swooned so often over the COL of Arconic Inc (ARNC.N) Klaus Kleinfeld. His sycophant Board of Complacency turned on him! He was encouraged by his board to spend more time buying another mansion.…. Investors, as usual, were glad to provide a hefty facelift for Kleinfeld’s chagrin….

    At last, we can buy a 9 lb bag of lamb for “Fido”! PetSmart is acquiring Chewy.com for $3.35 billion in the largest e-commerce acquisition ever… (I plan on selling Your Vomir for $4B, by the way)...

    OMG! This freaking week kept on giving!

    Chief Operating Lizard magazine this week welcomed a new member to the vaulted league of “Lizardry” with the announcement of a new Lizard! “Frankly, 2017 was beginning to look dangerously bleak in the area of corporative hi-jinks from a newbie,” the publisher said, now grinning. “The only fly in this proverbial ointment is, alas, our newest Lizard has foregone the Steve Jobs Scruffy Look. Very, very suspicious, I must say.”
    Novel Idea! Bill O’Reilly’s Homicidal Fantasies: ‘G-ddamn Bitch’…And when the dogs no longer bark and the satellite trucks move on, and on, and on…The wine sours, the caviar rots… Shut up, shut down and go On the road with Aristotle….

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