Week of 3/13/17: Lloyd B. Defends Yahoo's Marissa Ann Mayer

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Mar 17, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    Sad news this week: Marissa Ann Mayer has been let go from Yahoo!

    From Chief Operating Lizard magazine’s “Ask Lloyd B.” column

    Hi, Lloyd B.

    How do you feel what is happening to Marissa Ann Mayer of Yahoo after all she has done with Yahoo? Her pay package to pursue more time at her favorite health spas is an assault on decency! How can anyone survive Mayer's paltry cash severance of $3 million, plus $26,324 to continue her health benefits, $15,000 for outplacement, and nearly $52 million worth of accelerated restricted stock and options. This obviously indicates Ms. Mayer hit the “glass ceiling.” I am sorry, but receiving previous pay packages of around $125M dollars, does not lessen what is happening to her.

    Sincerely,

    Mr. Bill Lumbergh

    Division VP
    Initech
    San Francisco, CA

    Dear Mr. Lumbergh:

    First, May I suggest you refer to me as “Mister Lloyd B,” or “Mister B,” as does President Trump! I do not condone words such as "hi" when addressing me, unless the press is present.

    You have asked, of course, a great question. Anytime one of we “Lizards” come under assault, we all do! Under Ms. Myer's tutelage she has done a wonderful job for her $125M dollars pay packages through her awesome years at Yahoo. Security pros now use Yahoo as the Gold Standard to test their hacking abilities.

    I continue to be beyond impressed with her $2.5B for 53 acquisitions while at Yahoo. These products roll off my tongue (need I remind you my tongue is both special and pure high-octane awesome), as well as many products keep the fingers busy of my many Lackeys. (Sucking up to me is a tough job, I confess, for I am so busy jetting about to be praised.)
    Honestly, who among we Special People do not appreciate her Herculean rescue plan that was an emphasis on growing its “MaVeNS” businesses—a super acronym for mobile, video, native advertising, and social—frankly right up there with Apple’s iWhatever that is right, and expensive.
    Who among us does not have our Lackeys use such awesome Yahoo products as Jybe, Summly, and to handle our email with Astrid—My Lackeys can go on as long as I want about the many awesome Yahoo products Missy Marissa acquired!
    Oh, who among us can fail to appreciate her hiring high-profile celebrities to handle the news and the Obama/Hillary adulation (right up there with Warren Buffett).

    In short, I am angry and hurt. I have just stepped out (thankfully, we moved our NYC offices next door to the Oval Office) and yelled to President Trump he should make a stand here, perhaps encouraging high schools around the nation to conduct “bikini & jockstrap” car washes to raise money for “Save Marissa.” All donations would, of course, go to her. Ms. Hillary Clinton told me she would be happy to handle any money transfers. The president, congress, Supreme Court, of course, agree with me, for I AM MISTER LLOYD B.

    Kindest regards,

    Mr. Lloyd B.

    Rooms next to the Oval Office of the President of the United States
    Washington, D.C.

    P.S., to the Yahoo board: I have contacted the Russian President Putin to see what “assistance” he might render to Ms. Myer's epic struggle with the Yahoo board.

    Investing News continues to go super

    Airports will soon have small movie theaters for layovers…. Cinemas will play a clip with someone saying “OK Google, Silencio! Hey Siri, adjust the volume to zero percent!” before the movie starts …

    Twice a year, on daylight savings day proves we can all come together to achieve some pointless sh*t… I hate having to prove to a robot that I am not a robot… I have never met a person in my life who sticks their gum under a table, but when you look under most tables there’s always gum.

    If I were a ghost I’d barely haunt anyone. I’d spend my time in nature exploring jungles, caves, and oceans without the fear of dying…. If a ghost can open cupboards and break things, why not just take a pencil, find paper, write exactly why it’s unhappy, and tape the message on the fridge….(Reference) Why aren't ghost nude, by the way? When we die, do we go to a ghost tailor for ghost clothes and a ghost blacksmith for ghost chains to rattle?

    As malls transition into mauls to attract fight aficionados, pizza chains will become the new anchor stores…. The Chief Operating Lizard of Towels Galore Pizza vows his pizza fights will shame both Chuck E. Cheese, because “fighting lard ass women over towels can consume all the free pizza they want. We want to work with Cabela’s to offer weapon sales. We want Towel Pizza to be towels, fights, shootouts, as well as super gooey, sugary pizza. ” (Reference)

    The Chief Operating Officer for the new OK Korral Maul, outside of Dallas, challenged Amazon: “Bring-it-on, Bezos! Jim Cramer, you want to see us mall owners fighting back, well, come on down with Bezos! Bring it on, you two!”

    Bezos’ response: “I kinda am thinking some of those outlying ghost malls would make super distribution centers satellite…Roofs could be nice landing fields for drones, and parking lots, copter ports….”

    Meanwhile, to counter Amazon, Walmart has started to bring in the fighting Lard Ass Women League’s best fighters: “Our actual stores inside will be smaller, but our ring of towels should attract these women. We do not plan to sell weapons, but we will be expanding our beer aisles,” said one unnamed store manager. “We plan to out-maul the mauls!”

    Some Brain Flatulence of an Amateur Researcher:

    • Got to thinking: American companies all the time seem to be buying Israeli companies, so what are some
    • Next interesting investment area: Water… For example, repurposing decommission aircraft carriers to handle decentralized treatment plants and desalinization, because doing this onshore destroys coast line as well as fishing industry… Palisades Water IndexWater ETF based on this index…
    • If you have not added podcasts to your learning arsenal, do! Supercharge your learning with Speed Listening…Awesome! By the way, 2X speed does not make the speakers sound as if they are chipmunks
    • Got a great deal on a tooth crown by agreeing to have a tattoo on my cheek with the tattoo reading “Dr. so and so does super crowns!” An arrow points to the location in my mouth….
    • Home Depot associates can provide excellent ideas for DIY dental work – Tip, go with quality rather than price alone, as well as avoid solder using acid as the base when doing your own dental fillings, as well as go with the best drills and bits!
    Remember your local animal shelter if you need a new, or another, friend for life
     
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