Week of 11/13/17: On Being a Contrarian Duffus--BUYING GE!

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Nov 17, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    Perspective/Reality 1-0-1
    Term of the Week: “Campus”—The newest euphemism for the palatial, phallic palace of a CEO (formerly simply called “headquarters”)
    Next NO-NO words: the “p” word, as so & so is acting like a Pu*sy—Having “balls” is also a social justice no-no word—“Wuss” has just been added!

    Here I sit, swigging my home brew “Bombay” energy drink BECAUSE NEITHER COKE NOR PEPSI NOR SODA STREAM WILL MAKE IT! Enough grousing!
    As a Duffus Investor, I attempt to buy high/sell low, and at times, only Scottrade seems my friend. I bought Microsoft and what does it do?! DOUBLES! Mother of Jesus, SUPERSTAR!
    Well, thankfully, GE is not disappointing me—but then I see the new Chief Operating Lizard, and, frankly, I may lose again. All I wanted was a nimby-pamby leach who would be kind enough to stick it to the investor.
    Look, all I want in my Chief Operating Lizard is someone who will spend $10K for a “Cramer Fawn”—SORRY, I meant, of course, Prescience, Hard-Hitting interview on “Mad Money.”
    The Lizard and gang will need to rest their weary heads in only the best NYC hotel. I want at least $1,000 meals. Separate limos for all concern. Going up against Cramer will be rough as he hard-ass butt kisses.
    I am so scared GE could let me down. I-do-not-like hearing GE’s Lizard may want to prove he can beat the Wall Street odds. Thankfully, my friends at Scottrade say they will stick with me. This Thanksgiving, I will be remembering you guys, for sure. A SHOUT-OUT TO SCOTTRADE!!

    Yipes! Did you notice how Cramer's web site he works for did after its Conference Call this week?! I thought I could buy high/sell low, and what does it do?! Shoots up from $0.90 to $1.90 a share! I was about to buy a 100 shares for $90, then demand a board seat, but heck no-o! GEZ! It is plain hard being like my role model Billy Ackman...

    “Scoop,” the fame fly-on-the-wall columnist for Chief Operating Lizard magazine reports one of the new tools Blunder Tongue Technologies Chief Lizard showed off to invited guests was the Blunder Tongue Crispr DIY gene splicer 2.0. “What may look like a basic pair of Dollar General scissors is decidedly not, because we can now offer unique ways to mix up genes” said lead Blunder researcher known affectionately as “Doctor Imbecile.”
    Before a meeting of major Boards of Complacency (formerly known as Board of Directors), a researcher transformed a palm size of proprietary goo into what could become the new the new Chief Operating Lizard.
    Mr. Al Gore, who is a professional Board of Director member by serving on every board of the current makeup of Wall Street, explained, “The new Chief Operating Lizard needs to be sassy, yet not intimidating prissy. I think I speak for other members of Boards when I say we want our Lizard to be an It rather than a decidedly he or she. The modern Lizard of a corporation should be able to go with the scruffy—yet tailored—look of a Steve Job.”

    Things to be Thankful: (Get out your hankies, as I become a phony lefty softy)
    • Congress paid out $17 million in sexual settlements
    • Plague to replace Zika virus for a way to spend tax dollars to support the drug/government industrial complex
    • Electricity does not freeze, as water does
    • To handle the large number of princes waiting execution, Saudi Arabia’s chief beheader Abdul, the Chop-Chop Man and his little helpers all through December will “chop” out a Christmas medley for Western visitors to the new Chop-de-Chop Square in the huge mega Shopping Mall/Ski Lodge of Riyadh …For “Little Drummer Boy,” Abdul hints, heads will fall to the rat-de-dat of the little “Buddy Rich”—“Saudi Arabia’s Got Talent” will broadcast a special beheading extravaganza Christmas Eve…
    • Hormel says its hot dog & dog food units will again slay for FREE Santa’s surplus and old reindeer after Christmas
    The web is now closed—Please do not add another web page until tomorrow, and turn off the lights as you leave

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