Week of 10/9/17: the Imbecile Investor Newsletter

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Oct 14, 2017.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    My fellow Imbecile Investor: honestly, do you feel left out in the ways YOU-U lose filthy lucre? You feel you lack that, that losing edge the Value Investor, Growth Investor, Vulture Investor, Index Funders, Hedge Funder seems to have? Me, too. I want to lose like the pros who do! Damnit all!

    Thing for us Imbeciles is we seemly do not have our guru, that, that $2K newsletter offering that special sauce to lose as the pros and our betters. Enter me! Thank you. I won’t be able to do it without YOUR $2K.

    I am investigating becoming a newsletter publisher. The Imbecile Investor Hotline would be only $2K annually. I will pick 4 scorching hot stocks. When I run my stock screener I will find several. I will divide up the stocks, so some of you will be impressed and swear I must be an insider. Others, well, I will have your $2K. This is because below a stock pick I will have so much information to “borrow” below a stock. Some of you will have bad names for me and my ability. This will be fine, because all I will need are about 100 or so subscribers who will appreciate my acumen to lose like those mysterious who know!

    I am going to Best Buy to have my picture made standing before a wall of monitors. This will impress you, as it should. You will be impressed at how little I say I sleep. If I do sleep, then this will be only because Best Buy is closed. Ka-ching and thank you ever so much. You will rightfully swear I must be a CNBC yapping head.

    Here is a rough draft ripped from the computer screen of The Imbecile Investor: Investing in the Nuclear Aftermath of a North Korea Nuclear Weapon Screw Up. Now you will not have to be too late to be first in line at Scottrade to profit off a disaster.

    BOOYAH! Vulture Investors Swarm To Houston As Flooded Homes Sell For 40 Cents On The Dollar

    BONUS BOOYA! Vulture Investors eyeing California for another attack… “Jim, just let me say, all our hearts at Scumbag Capital go out to those who have lost everything,” said former Dallas oilman now Vulture Investor, Mr. J.R. Ewing….

    I want the subscriber to my newsletter to be the first in line for the next disaster—Of course, of course, for PR, your suet heart goes out to those who get the smack down—but the Adam Smith’s “Invisible Hand” can be gnarly, and remember what Warren Buffett said about “blood in the street” investing—if gramps said it, then, well…

    Meanwhile, an update on my condition: I suffer from schadenfreude. This week, I nearly O-D'd, as I worked on my newsletter. Show biz is as bad as those Netflix "Narcos." Hollywood Lizard “Horny” Harvey Weinstein should be ashamed of himself how he "fed" my schadenfreude addiction, but as with the Narcos, he has no shame!

    POP QUIZ!

    How much will the Hollywood Lizard “Horny” Harvey Weinstein be rewarded by his Board of Complacency (aka, formerly Board of Directors) to go away to do a “I am the scum of the earth” crying tour, ASAP:
    1. Around $10M
    2. Around $50M
    3. More than $100M
    4. Fort Knox
    Congrats if you selected “4”

    How many weekends will Horny Harvey spend wearing an orange jumpsuit to pick up trash along the busy highways and byways of Tinsel Town?
    1. 0
    2. 0
    3. 0
    4. All the above
    "4" is the correct answer

    Well, look at you, if you made a 100
    • After revelations about Horny Harvey, show biz’s major hypocritical, sanctimonious lefties are attending emergency cram sessions by the Schultz Institute to learn how to perform the founder’s "I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!"
    • Netflix has announced a remake of “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” with Horny Harvey as Butch and Roman Polanski as the Sundance Kid. The duo will be relentlessly pursued by an obtuse posse of Hollywood do-gooders…Director Mel Brooks will ensure a “Blazing Saddle” feel…. “Butch, quick, let’s throw the posse off with a possible Trump/Russian/Illuminati connection,” yells Sundance at one point, as he jumps off a cliff into a vat of Bull____
    • Meanwhile, over at Amazon, not to be outdone, of course, cums up with its very own Horny Harvey—BONUS, BONUS, BONUS BOOYAH! Okay, remember how it goes: Call in the Schultz Institute, then go on a Crying Tour, head to Europe to a non-extradition country, and then do the Kabuki Dance of “I was wrong to <fill in the blank> -- YOU GOTTA THINK LIKE A LIZARD WHEN CAUGHT IN BEING A PHONY LEFTY!
    • BONUS, BONUS, BONUS, BONUS BOOYAH—TO ME! This is really getting good! Google, time for you to step up! We need a “Harvey” scandal from you guys!
    Finally, a potential "shipment" of schadenfreude--so I could well fatally O-D the week ahead: An old-school pharmacy hand-delivers drugs to Congress, a little-known perk for the powerful…Secret Alzheimer's Drug Deliveries... Snowden, we need your “services” again… This could get Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious good! Mother of Gawd, hackers, I need this "fix"--FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME!
     
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