12/26/17: Bagging Up and Tossing 2017 (sic)

Discussion in 'Off topic - humor, oddities, videos, politics' started by zyzzyva57, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. zyzzyva57

    zyzzyva57 Active Member

    Top 2017 Story: Alien Life Verified….
    A Japanese Haiku on not shutting up, nor being invisible:

    "Hi, Earth"
    "Meet your new overlords"

    As the Mainstream Press began moving into place for 2020 presidential run of Goddess Michelle, My Belle, her dear leader was dragged off the stage, kicking and screaming…Thankfully, though, the UN saved her Dear Leader by making him the Secretary General…

    Steven King won the 2017 Nobel in Literature -- His 3-hour acceptance speech centered around Global Warming combining with Global Chilling to produce an actual Mist, out of which came the ancient terrifying monster Trumper

    President Trump warped Wall Street Space-Time when he had to be rushed to the White House vet clinic…."A huge orange hair ball was removed," said Veterinarian Doctor S. Love

    God Again Proved His Existence and His appreciation for Jobian humor: The world’s wealthiest Lizards are ending the year with $237 billion more than they had at the start….

    Goldman Sachs relocated from New York City into the White House, in the room next door to the Oval Office made famous by President Bill Clinton and "cigars"…Want to guess who will get "cigar-ed" now, BIG, BIG TIME--and by the way, there are no-o wrong answers? Yes? You, sir, or is it mam?
    "Bin over and give that lad-y an early "cigar"

    Thanks to congress using a variation of the Netherlands Postcode Lottery to fund Social Security, Social Security recipients can expect a major boast in their monthly checks beginning in January of 2018…In 2018, Backpleifengesicht List may be created with eBay for buyers to bid on whom they would want on the list…A "slap team" consisting of those who bought the most "ZIPies" in the winning ZIP Code will be dispatched to slap the recipient…

    To the chagrin of the anti-Trumpsters, a zillion dollar study confirms Mexico is still located in Mexico as of the end of 2017…

    Trumpism & Military in 2017….

    Trump's appreciation for the Russian color guard came to the fore when President Trump his Marine guard contingency to have that Russian "flare"….
    The military still has an unease about whom President Trump made the commander of the fame Navy's S.E.A.L. Team 6's Bagpipe & Ballet Corps….
    "Gol-ly, call me old fashion, but I jest ain't fer this hip-hop update of Amazing Grace," said retired Marine "Gomer" Pyle. "Shazam! I jest don't like to hear 'bout hoes and heaven in the same tune when I am laying that there dead!"…
    Nevertheless, "Cod Sacks" became the in 2017 Xmas must-have item particularly after "prancing" became the rage way to do The Power Walk to show who were ta-sassy Lizards & Lackeys in 2017…

    The $300M unflyable, stealthy F-35 was rechristen in 2017 to the FB-35, "The Flying Boondoggle"….
    The Director of the Roswell Air Museum, NM, Mr. Otis Campbell, told reporters, "This here huge-ass truck in the dead of the night crashed outside of town, and, and I heard the truck was carrying this here huge-ass fighter-bomber, the FB-35, now being built primarily for air museums, but, but we ain't 'pose to be able to see it 'cause it's, it's that there stealthy thingamajig--just know our museum has a new ding-a-ling to play with"….
    Republican Majority Leader of the Senate explained the whole "dang" purpose of a $ucce$$ful "boondoggle" is its "stealthyness"…(ou be the judge with this latest picture of the $300M stealthy FB-35 II:

    Trumpism & the Snoot Class in 2017

    Snoot Speak in 2017 Spread Faster than the tax dollar sucking Latest Virus Scare...SOP: hate Trump, and work this hatred into any spew regardless the topic...But anyway, but any way, you say, "Look, secretly I voted Trump, and definitely liked what he spoke, but, well, I got to be a pretend Snoot to survive on Wall Street, academia, and entertainment. I gotta learn to speak Snoot!

    How to Fake Being an IN Snoot:
    1. Maintain at all times the look of disdain, as if you smell a fart (no doubt from a Trumpster)
    2. Every third question must begin: "What a great question…"
    3. Generously over-sprinkle a MISUSE of the word "literally," puh-leaze
    4. Must sound as if you are drinking from a bourbon sniffer at some Ivy League academician club
    5. Sound bored with anything understandable or commonsensical
    6. Separate words and sentences with prolong "ehs" in lieu of pauses or breaths
    7. (Lady Lizard Wannabes, sorry, you MUST downplay your looks [ATTRACTIVENESS IS VERBOTEN]
    8. Future Lady Lizard Wannabes must pepper their pomposity with very bored cackles
    9. Main words to describe "Fly Over Country" and/or Trump: XYZ are as follows: an Existential Moment...Godwin's Law...dystopia...Stalin-like Purges...
    10. A video to use for training to look and to do the bored, distained "eh-h" of a Proper Snoot…(NOT gender specific, by the way)...
    Word of the Year for 2017: Sesquipedalian

    Trumpism & Business in 2017….

    Fed Lizard Janet Y introduced the smashing new Fed Omni-QE, an elaborate $999B hydraulic machine with pumps and levers, allowing equilibrium with prices in the market to adjust in response to changes in supply, or demand, or both, or something…
    Former Lottery Ticket Investor & Walmart Shopping Cart Coraller, and now President Trump's Economic Adviser, Mr. Chauncey Carter, told CNBC's "Fast Money": Nothing is on fire, fire is on things
    "Fast Money" Host: "So-o, Chauncey, being there, let me get this straight: you are saying essentially that, with virtually no usable micro, or macroeconomic, tools, with maybe ignorance glorified, the default position is this Janet Yellen Omni QE machine?"
    Chauncey: "Yes"

    .GREAT MALL BRAWLS OF LARD ASS WOMEN fighting over towels were again terrific this year
    (Thank you, God, I enjoy em, too)…
    Cramer gave a BOO-YAH BUY, BUY, BUY for Simon Property Group for its re-branding of its malls to the Simon Mauls…
    Simon's Chief Lizard, beaming, told Cramer, "We-e have the best lard ass women fights year round over anything towel! No, Jim, malls converted to mauls are not dead! Hopefully, we will see mauls competing with other mauls, even with our competitors!"…

    The Big Stock Winner of 2017 was Apple with its repatriation of its Ireland cash-stash, as well as the September 2017 release of the iPhone 8 "Steve Jobs Anniversary" homage...
    The phone and Apple Watch can now charge using any available Wi-Fi signal….
    With Mutual Augmented Reality (MAR) owners of Apple Products can purchased over-priced repairs without going to the Apple Store, because virtual Apple Techs and a virtual you can go into your product for a repair....
    The International Dyslexia Association expressed concerns though about the MAR aspect allowing the Apple Store, as well as the world (and our new outer space friends) to go into an Apple product to make repairs: "All this is so darn confusing! Who is what, and where. I am so confused! Does the world really, really need a flash mob made up of participants from all over the universe to form even at an Apple Store to repair your freaking iPhone or iWatch?! All this is so, so confusing. We go from worrying about who can use what bathroom, and now in 2017 who can go into my iPhone or watch. I am so confused!"….

    Please remember to help save an animal from your local Kill Shelter, and may 2018 work for you...

    Invest, don't trade, 2018
    -- Jim Cramer, restaurateur

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